About a week ago, I tested positive for Covid, but don’t worry: Dr. Ashish Jha says it’s safe to read my column. Just wash your hands afterward.
If you’ve never been infected with Covid and don’t know what it’s like, I’m not going to sugarcoat things for you: Covid is a B-word.
Actually, Covid is two B-words, one of them in English and the other in Hindi.
Some people will tell you that they had a mild form of Covid and recovered very quickly, but it all depends on how many times they were vaccinated, which variant they were infected with, and which God they were praying to.
I am not an expert on Covid, but now that I’ve had first-hand experience with it, I feel obligated to share my knowledge by answering Covid-related questions from some of my readers.
Question: “My mother keeps telling me to wear a mask when I go to music concerts and other crowded venues, but it seems unnecessary to me. I know many people have died from Covid, but I’m young and fully vaccinated, so even if I get Covid, how bad would it be?”
Answer: “Did you happen to see the widely shared video of the drunk man on a commercial flight who kept pestering Mike Tyson? Well, the drunk man is like a vaccinated person appearing in crowded places without wearing a mask. And the left hook that landed on the man’s forehead from the former boxing champ is like Covid when it’s being easy on you.”
Question: “I am a single man in my early 30s. I had Covid a few weeks ago and am now fully healthy, ready to get back into the game. Do you think I’d be able to pick up more women at the bars if I wore a T-shirt that says ‘Covid survivor’?”
Answer: “No, but you might be able to pick up Covid again.”
Question: “I’ve been sweating a lot at night lately. Do you think I might have Covid or a bad case of climate change?”
Answer: “Many people have been suffering from climate change lately. But night sweats are also connected to Covid. If you have no other symptoms, you are probably just feeling the heat. Covid doesn’t believe in just banging on your door in the middle of the night. It also throws rocks at your windows, paints graffiti on your walls, curses you in several languages, and then drops Vladimir Putin down your chimney to annex your living room.”
Question: “Why have some people gotten Alpha, others Delta and others Omicron?”
Answer: “The Covid virus, like the iPhone, comes in different models with different features. A new model is introduced every few months, so consumers don’t get bored with the old model. The original model, SARS-CoV-2, came out in early 2020. The current model, Omicron, has several sub-models, including the BA5, whose features include runny nose, sore throat, headache, cough and fatigue. Scientists prefer the word variant to model, and this is understandable. But you might get slapped if you tell Gigi Hadid that she’s a super variant.”
Question: “What is long-haul Covid? Is it a special type of Covid that affects truck drivers?”
Answer: “Long-haul Covid is the same as long Covid or chronic Covid. It means that Covid is not just an annoying relative who stays in your home for a week, but an obnoxious tenant who is claiming rights to the property. You might feel like you’ve fully recovered, that you have a new lease on life, but when you look closely at the lease, someone else is collecting the rent.”
Question: “I had Covid a few months ago. All my symptoms have disappeared, except one. I do not have a sense of taste. What can I do about my loss of taste?”
Answer: “You can manage the social media accounts of Elon Musk.”