Melvin Durai's Humor Column

Prison Appointments of Mr. Trump 

Wednesday, 05 Jun, 2024
(Photo provided by Melvin Durai)

It was 5:18 p.m. at Blue Lake Correctional Facility in Clinton County, New York, and a group of about 30 prisoners, dressed in orange jumpsuits, were seated around three tables, chowing down on a dinner of baked chicken, mashed potatoes and a vegetable they didn’t quite recognize. Most of them were halfway through their meal when the new prisoner arrived. 

The entire cafeteria broke out into a chant: “Trump! Trump! Trump!”

The burly man waved and smiled, before taking a seat between Jim and Pedro, and across from Ramesh and Hugo. All of them were there for white collar crimes, including corruption and fraud.

“I wish they would stop,” Trump said. “It’s too much. Everywhere I go, it’s ‘Trump! Trump! Trump!’”

“Everyone is happy to see you here, Mr. President,” Jim said.

“Even the Democrats?”

“Especially the Democrats. And you know why? You’ve been here only a few days and already the food has improved. You’ve delivered on your promise to Make Prison Great Again.”

“It’s not just the food,” Pedro said. “The air is cooler, the guards are kinder, and the toilet paper is softer. When I get out, I am definitely voting for you.”

“You’re not a citizen, Pedro,” Hugo said. “You can’t vote.”

“Sorry, Mr. President, I can’t vote. But I am definitely going to storm the Capitol for you. You don’t have to be a citizen to storm the Capitol, do you?”

“No, you don’t,” Hugo said. “But you will just end up back here again. The Democrats will see to it.”

“Shut your trap, Hugo!” Ramesh said. “You think the Republicans wouldn’t have done the same if people had stormed the Capitol claiming that Hillary had won?”

Trump smiled. “But Hillary didn’t win. I won. I always win — except when the system is rigged. That’s why I’m here — because the justice system is rigged. It’s very rigged. It’s rigged like the biggest rigs you can find on the highway.”

Hugo and Ramesh began chanting “Rigged” and soon the entire cafeteria was chanting “Rigged! Rigged! Rigged!”

“We all agree, Mr. President,” Jim said. “It’s rigged.”
Trump banged the table with his fist. “They said I committed a felony. All I did was pay off a porn star and make it a business expense. Who hasn’t done that? Everybody does that.”

Jim nodded. “I’ve done it.”

“Me too,” Pedro said.

“Me three,” Hugo said. “I paid off three porn stars and wrote it off as ‘office party entertainment.’”

“Was one of them Stormy?” Trump asked. 

“No, but one of them was Sunny. She went by the name Sunny D. Lite.”

Just then, a voice rang out from another table: “Hey Mr. President, all the guys here want to know: How was Stormy? Better than Melania?”

Trump smiled. “Oh no, not better than Melania. Melania is the best. I love Melania. That’s why I didn’t want her to know about Stormy.”

“Then why’d you do it?” another prisoner asked. “Why’d you cheat on Melania?”

Before Trump could answer, Hugo blurted out, “It’s not cheating if there’s no video! I never cheated on any of my wives either.”

Trump laughed. “Of course not.”

“Hey Mr. President,” Ramesh said. “I have a favor to ask. If you become president again, would you …”

“Pardon you?”

“No, appoint me as United States Surgeon General.”

“Are you a doctor?”

“No, but I watched all 20 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Please, Mr. President. It would make my mother so happy. She always wanted me to be a surgeon.”

“Okay, I’ll do it,” Trump said. “You can count on it.”

“He’s a man of his word,” Jim said.

“Yes, I always keep my promises,” Trump said. “I said I would build a wall and I built a wall, a beautiful wall.”

“It’s truly a beautiful wall,” Pedro said. “I saw it when I climbed over it.”

“Speaking of walls,” Hugo said, “can someone build a wall around Ramesh? He snores.”

“And you talk in your sleep!” Ramesh said. “I wish I had a cell to myself, like you do, Mr. President.”

“Well, it’s not the White House, but it will do for now,” Trump said. “Once I am re-elected president, I hope they will at least give me a king-size bed.”

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