If you’re completely bald or have a receding hairline or an ever-growing bald spot like me, I have some good news for you: scientists are getting closer to a cure and it doesn’t involve a spray can. It may even happen in our lifetimes, which means we could have all our hair back within a few decades, just in time to charm all those ladies at the retirement home.
Actually, there’s only one lady I want to charm and she doesn’t seem to care that I have a growing bald spot. If anything, she’s pleased that there’s evidence of actual growth near my brain.
I’m perfectly okay with having a bald spot, really I am. And if you don’t believe me, just ask anyone in my ‘Bald is Beautiful’ support group. We get together once a month to share our stories of hair loss. There’s Al and Bruce and Pedro and Salman and a few other guys. We have varying degrees of baldness. For example, I have a bachelor’s degree, Bruce has a master’s and Salman has a PhD (prominent hair deficiency).
Our last meeting began, as it usually does, with a little sharing. We sat in a circle and shared a bottle of wine. It always helps the guys open up. Al took a sip and said, “Yesterday, while I was at the laundromat, I met this pretty woman who told me she’s a cancer survivor. So I said, ‘Really? Well, I’m a baldness survivor. Maybe we can go out sometime.’ And she slapped me.”
Pedro shook his head. “People just don’t understand what baldness does to a man. When I started losing my hair, my so-called best friend kept saying, ‘You’re going bald, Pedro!’ as if I didn’t already know. As if I didn’t look in the mirror every morning and take attendance. Ricardo, here. Enrique, here. José, here. Alfredo … oh no, I lost another one.”
Bruce laughed. “You named your hair too?”
“Of course. When you have so few, you grow close to them. They’re like family.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Bruce said. “We need to educate people about this. We need to make them more aware, so that our sons and grandsons don’t have to endure as much baldism as we have. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“Sure would,” Salman said. “That’s why I’m starting a petition online to get leaders around the world to declare the third Saturday of March as Baldness Awareness Day (BAD).”
“Good idea,” Bruce said. “We could honor all the great bald men in history, such as Dwight Eisenhower, the first bald man to be elected president of America, Tom Stafford, the first bald man in outer space, and Seal, the first bald man to marry a supermodel.”
“Wouldn’t it be better to call it Bald Man’s Day?” Pedro said. “That way, we could get our family and friends to give us cards and gifts.”
“I like that,” Al said. “Forget the petition, Salman -– let’s write to Hallmark instead.”
“Speaking of cards,” Pedro said, “we should send a ‘thank you’ card to Dr. Angela Christiano for all her great research on baldness. I was so thrilled when I heard that she and her fellow researchers at Columbia University in New York City have succeeded in growing human hair in a dish using stem cells. Now all we need to do is figure out a way to stick the dish to our heads!”
“I’ve never heard of Dr. Christiano,” Bruce said. “Does she have thinning hair?”
“No,” Pedro said. “She’s got plenty of hair. But she’s on our side. She’s a friend of the bald.”
“We need to help Dr. Christiano,” Bruce said. “I’m sure she needs more money for her research.”
“I’ve got an idea,” Salman said. “Let’s organize a fundraiser. We can call it the Walkathon to Cure Baldness. We can get our family and friends to walk 10 km and raise lots of money.”
“I hate walking,” Al said. “Why don’t we do something different? Let’s call it the Drive to Cure Baldness. If we raise enough money, maybe we can also buy lots of Super Glue.”