“Tonight, on a very special edition of Larry King Live, we have an exclusive interview with Jed Greeley, president of the English Protection Association (EPA). The association was formed this year to protect the English language from what it calls — and I’m quoting here — ‘a murdering from the Mexicans, Chinese and Indians.’ Why are you focusing on them, Jed?”
“We ain’t focusing on nobody, Larry. Thems are the main ones, but there’s other ones: the Colombians, the Iranians, the Pakistanians. They all be coming to America and they ain’t speakin’ English. It ain’t right, Larry. If they ain’t willing to speak English, dang it, they ain’t deservin’ to live in this free country.”
“But why the big concern, Jed? People speak lots of languages in other countries.”
“Larry, it don’t trouble us if they speaks Russian in Russia, Chinese in China or Canadian in Canada. But these are the United States of America. Over here, we speaks English. I ain’t no lingualist, but I do believe English is the supremest language in the world. Jesus spoked English, ya know?”
“So you believe that everyone in America should speak English? No exceptions!”
“We ain’t saying people gotta speak English in their houses and all. We saying they gotta speak English when they’s on family outings, going to Wal-Mart and such. Also when they’s at work. I mean, the other day, I’m takin’ a taxi and the driver, he ain’t understandin’ a word I’m sayin’. I dang gives him a piece of my mind. And ya know what he says to me? He says I gotta brush up on my Urdu.”
“But this is a land of immigrants. Our forefathers spoke many different languages, including German, French and Italian.”
“But they be learnin’ English soon. And ya know why, Larry? Because back then, there wasn’t no non-English channels on TV. No Univision, no Al Jazeera, no dang Zee TV.”
“Your association has started a petition to stop Mexicans and other groups from making Spanish the official language of America. Do you really think that’s going to happen?”
“Dang right, it’s gonna happen, if they gets what they wants. Some officials already is speaking Spanish. And so is most baseball players. They once plays in Major League Baseball, now they calling it Las Grandes Ligas De Beisbol. The Mexicans, they also been singin’ the National Anthem in Spanish and makin’ jokes about Jorge W. Bush. They gettin’ my childrens to watch Dora the Explorer and say ‘Hola Papi!’ to me. We gotta stop ’em now, Larry, before things gets too far, before we ends up living in Estados Unidos de América and eatin’ enchiladas at Thanksgiving.”
“So you see this as a pretty serious situation?”
“Dang right, we do. Look, Larry, if you wanna works on a farm, you gotta speak Spanish; if you wanna works in a motel, you gotta speak Gujarati; if you wanna works in the stock market, you gotta speak Greek.”
“The stock market? Isn’t that all about numbers?”
“It’s Greek to me, Larry.”
“Oh, I see. Some people take pride in being bilingual and trilingual. Have you ever considered learning another language?”
“Another language? Come on, Larry, ain’t it enough that I’m fluenced in English?”
“Other than the petition, what is your group doing to protect English in America?”
“Well, Larry, for one thing, we’s making big signs to put at the airports and borders: ‘Welcome to America. We speaks English here!'”
This column first appeared circa 2005.
