After the United States and Israel started bombing Iran and killed Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I watched intently as the talking heads on CNN discussed whether the attack was necessary. Republicans insisted that regime change in Iran was critical, not just for America’s security but the entire world’s. Democrats were concerned that history was repeating itself and America was once again embroiling itself in a costly, fruitless war, similar to those in Iraq and Afghanistan.
But both sides were quick to emphasize one thing: the Iranian leaders were the “bad guys” and nobody should regret their demise.
You may be wondering how the “bad guys” around the world are identified. Well, it is a very difficult process and involves countless hours of discussion and debate among members of the UNCIBG (United Nations Commission for the Identification of Bad Guys).
The 24-member UNCIBG meets biannually in New York City to consider nominations for bad guy status. One country can nominate another. A few years ago, for example, Pakistan nominated India, and India in turn nominated Pakistan. (The bad guy designation technically belongs to a country’s ruling government, but switching rulers does not automatically revoke bad guy status.)
If you live in India, you may be relieved to know that India did not get enough votes to qualify for bad guy status, partly because Eastern Europeans love Bollywood movies. This means that America and Israel will not be dropping bombs on India anytime soon. Dozens of countries are ahead of India in the potential bomb target list.
Pakistan also fell short in the vote count. Many Indians were stunned that Pakistan somehow escaped bad guy status. Some accused Pakistan of vote-rigging. Others vowed to keep a close eye on their neighbor for any BGAs (bad guy acts).
However, Suresh Mehta, president of the Indian Society of Good Guys, admitted that it was an uphill battle, getting bad guy status for Pakistan. “To achieve bad guy status, you have to be a really bad guy,” Mehta said. “You can’t just perform BGAs on Friday nights after a few drinks. You can’t throw up in the Uber from the bar and call yourself a bad guy. You have to be like North Korea: committed and dedicated to bad guy status, 24/7.”
UNCIBG has conferred bad guy status on only 23 countries around the world. That may seem like a lot, but it’s only 12 percent. Notable countries that have not earned bad guy status despite many BGAs include Russia, China and the United States.
“It’s a good thing the U.S. is not a bad guy,” Mehta said. “Otherwise it would have to bomb itself.”
He noted that the U.S. has committed a number of BGAs under the Trump Administration, including bombing boats carrying suspected drug smugglers without granting them due process and bombing a school in Iran.
“It helps that the U.S. is a democracy,” Mehta said. “Being a democracy protects it from bad guy status, not to mention threatening tariffs on UNCIBG members.”
He added that China and Russia both have long lists of BGAs, and it’s still being determined who has the Guinness World Record. So why haven’t these countries attained bad guy status?
“They exert immense influence on the members of the UNCIBG,” Mehta said. “China can say, ‘If you vote for us as bad guys, you’d better start buying your computers from Bangladesh.’ And Russia can say, ‘If you vote for us as bad guys, you’d better start buying your vodka from Bangladesh.’”
If the United States isn’t a bad guy, does it qualify as a good guy?
Mehta paused, then shook his head.
“To achieve good guy status, you have to be a really good guy,” he said. “You can’t just be a good guy on Sunday mornings after church. You can’t just hold the door open for Mrs. Brown and call yourself a good guy. You have to be like Canada: committed and dedicated to good guy status, 24/7.”
