By Basab Dasgupta
One way to show respect for older persons in Bengali culture is to use the suffixes “da” (short for “dada”) or “di” (“didi”) after their first names when addressing them. This is an acknowledgement of seniority in age, as opposed to superiority in social status or education. Furthermore, it is proper to address all strangers with these suffixes in an informal setting if they appear to be older.
In American culture, the customary practice is to add “Mr” or “Ms” before his/her last name. There is an equivalent formal system in Bengali also, whereby we add “Babu” or “Debi”, respectively, after a male or female name. There is nothing like a “da” or “di” in English, although the words “bro” and “sis” (short for “brother” and “sister”, respectively) are occasionally used as slang to address a close person.
There is a big difference, however, between addressing Amar Ghosh as “Mr Ghosh” (or Amar Babu) and “Amar-da”. In the latter version, it is not just an address but an implicit transfer of power. If you call someone Amar-da, it is interpreted as a willing recognition of Amar-da not only as someone chronologically older but as someone who is supposedly wiser, more knowledgeable about every aspect of life, and hence capable of giving you advice whether the advice was solicited or not.
In addition, calling someone “da” conveys a feeling of closeness. Since “dada” literally means a biological elder brother, this address implies that one is accepting this dada almost like a family member.
The senior people feel empowered by this address. When addressed as “da,” they feel that it is their duty to guide their junior friends on the right path and protect them from undesirable consequences by sharing their own experience. It can certainly be beneficial for the younger ones to learn from others’ experience, but such advice often tends to be condescending.
The dadas (and didis) also feel that they can get away by making offensive remarks and ridiculing without having to apologize because they are dadas. If the younger prodigies ignore or refute the advice given by the elder mentors, the mentors feel insulted and hurt. They take it as a blatant sign of disrespect that they do not deserve. In addition, these dadas try to influence the opinions of their juniors in various aspects of life – politics, social customs, spending habits, schools for kids, house-buying, etc.
Once again, there is nothing wrong with it. Where it gets controversial is when it is packaged as some type of valuable advice (and hence something to accept).
In Bengali, we use the word “Dadagiri” to describe such behavior patterns on the part of the senior person. Surprisingly, when I looked for the meaning of “dadagiri” on the internet, Google came up with the answer “intimidating, coercive, or bullying behavior”. In the gentler Bengali culture, dadagiri does not quite elevate to the level of bullying, but it is in the same general direction.
In Bengali societies, this protocol of dadagiri has tangible ramifications. It almost invariably means that senior organizational positions in any cultural or even political effort would go to the senior Bengalis who are simply senior in age and addressed as dadas. Of course, it makes sense if the ones chosen for these positions are retired people who have a lot of time on their hands. However, often the younger generation is ignored even if they are available and more capable in many areas.
There is no strict protocol about addressing someone as “dada”. I am perfectly willing to call my seniors by the suffix “da,” but I am never sure what age difference warrants this suffix. One can guess the age from their graduating year, the age they got married, ages of children, eligibility for social security or similar milestones in life. If a person is more than three years older than me, I have no problem addressing him as dada. I am not sure if the age difference is shorter than that.
What is annoying to me is when I feel peer pressure to call someone “da” whom I really do not know that well, because all the friends in my age group call him “da”.
Another confusing situation arises when I am dealing with two older gentlemen in a certain situation, one of whom I really like and respect and address as “da,” and the other one I hardly know. Does the second gentleman become my dada by association?
A person (especially a woman) sometimes uses the “da” or “di” address to pretend that he/she is younger than the addressee. This can be annoying if it is obvious that this is not the case.
I also had occasions of dealing with people I knew back in India during high school or college years, and addressed as “da”, and more recently rediscovered them through Facebook or common friends. Should I address them as “da” even though I did not interact with him all these years and do not particularly care about what he says or thinks?
The other challenge is that if you do not address an elderly person as dada or didi, how do you address them? Basically, you have two choices: call them simply by their first names or refer to them as Mister/Miss (or Babu/Debi).
Unfortunately, both options would pose problems in Bengali social circles. Addressing someone as “Mister” or “Babu” automatically attaches a formality and perhaps even a coldness or distance in conversations. Calling someone simply by their first name (as the Americans do) would be interpreted as a sign of disrespect if the person happens to be older in age. Greetings “bhai sahab” and “bahenji” in Hindi seem to be age-neutral.
There is a stigma about addressing a person only by first name in Bengali culture. Even if the person happens to be younger, we pre-qualify the conversation by “If you don’t mind, I will call you by your first name”. It is a complete no-no to address your parents-in-law by their first names. In our generation, it was not even proper for wives to call their husbands by their first names. The usual way for the wife was to start by saying “ogo shunchho” or (“Mai kaha ji” in Hindi) to draw the husband’s attention.
This suggests a possible solution. One could address people by saying “Hey” before their name, like “Hey Amar, how are things going with you?” The word “hey” is a warm, informal address and an indication of wanting to be close to the person as opposed to disrespect.
However, calling someone “hey, you” might be offensive. I had a Chinese professor named David Wu in graduate school many years ago. His favorite self-introduction on the first day of class was “My name is David Wu. You can call me David, you can call me “Dr Wu”, you can call me “Professor Wu”, you can call me simply “Wu”, but never ever call me “hey Wu”!
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(California-based Basab Dasgupta has a doctorate in Physics from the University of Wisconsin and has worked with Sony as Vice President of an operating division.)
